Knowledge came and devastated...

I don't know what I thought about death before you died. I know I thought something...

The moment we became alive, death was waiting, chasing...

I just can't remember what. When you died I got angry. Really angry. I struggled with feelings of denial, hatred, disappointment, betrayal...jealousy.

And all of us fell and kept breathing...

I think it hit me so hard because your mom had just died. Some delusional part of my brain thought that there had been enough tragedy...we'd be safe from disaster for a while. When I heard, I was shocked at the stark blankness of my mind. Never is it that quiet. It was like there was so much instantaneous pain, confusion and just too much...everything, that my mind just shut off... I get the same jolt when I remember it all. A flash of...something, and a dizzying emptiness. It kind of makes me think of the beginning of the 6th Harry Potter movie. All the camera flashes in his face and his bewildered expression in the paper right after Sirius was killed. I know you'd probably know what I'm talking about. If not...well, wherever you are now, I'm sure you can do all sorts of sweet shit...

Dying to death and raising to life,with mournful joy she finally lets out her cry...

After a long time of being angry and wanting someone or something to blame, I just got sick of it. Life wasn't going to stop going because you were gone, even if I wanted it to. I had to go with it.

In the middle of
All the business
A call to be still
Multitude of words
Quiet be still...

Like you'd really want me to feel crappy. Besides, I'm sure that Heaven rocks. I know you didn't plan on leaving, and that you probably feel really bad about how it all happened...but we'll be ok.

And all of us fell...

We did. You brought us all to our knees when you went. I worry about everyone, especially your boyfriend and brother. I'm trying to help. I have no idea how to, but I'm trying. You'll keep your eye on them, yeah? Somehow convince them that things really do happen for reasons we can't understand, and that accepting that and moving forward isn't a disrespect to you.

I wish you were still here. I wish that I could see you. Say hi to everyone. I love you.

This dead will rise...
Oh rise, oh rise...
Rise, oh rise.

*Italicized lyrics "Uncle Bobby" by Flyleaf.

I've been suffering from insomnia since I was at least 10. I believe (as do my doctors) that it stems from my anxiety and depression. I remember being little and shaking in my bed with terror because I felt so alone. I'd watch out my window at the neighbor's house...she worked night shifts and I took comfort in the fact that her light would be on. When she'd get home and go to bed, the terror would really hit. I used to go see my parents when this would happen, but they grew sick of me waking them up and basically told me to stay in my room and keep my eyes shut. This only made it worse.

If you know me in "real" life, you know that I have a weird reaction to you falling asleep: Anger and feelings of betrayal. Slumber parties are supposed to be fun, but most people fall asleep before me. Usually these slumber parties involve drinking, so if I'm not drunk before you pass out, I get MAD. Ask Amber (sorry!). I will try and guilt you into staying awake...which really doesn't work. If you're falling asleep, you're falling asleep and really nothing is going to stop it. Poor Greg knows this as well. I've been trying to be better about it. Mainly I just am jealous. I wish I fell asleep as easily as most people. Instead, I'm awake and alone until about 5 am. When the sun starts coming up, I usually feel safe enough to sleep. I know it's mental. I know that when night hits I feel this internal pressure to sleep and as time passes I'm still not sleeping and the stress mounts.

Sometimes medications help...but usually only until I build a tolerance. Sometimes deep breathing and visualization exercises help, but not always. And when my anxiety is really high, I might as well just say screw it because trying to focus is out of the question. The thing that usually helps (except on rare occasions) is marijuana (and depending on the strain). I haven't had any for a while now and my sleep is suffering. I'm getting to that uber crabby stage where I just want to yell or cry and I'm starting to get delusional. Sleep deprivation also makes my stomach issues worse. I get cramps and nauseous. I get severe headaches and joint pains. It's not good. I become a real bitch to deal with.

What bothers me most is how people react to it. "Ugh, you sleep so late...it must be nice not having to get up." The only reason I sleep so late is because I didn't fall asleep until around the time you get up. And it's NOT fun. It's torture. And then you feel sloppy and lazy for sleeping half of your day away. "How can you be tired? You slept until 2!" Well my friends, I may have but that's because, ONCE AGAIN, I didn't fall asleep until 5 am, and even when I did fall asleep, I didn't feel rested, but thanks. "Why are you ALWAYS tired?" Because I'm an insomniac!

Sigh. Be nice to insomniacs, ok? Unless you've experienced it, you really don't know how shitty it can be. Plus, we can get a little insane from all the sleep deprivation, and I'd feel really bad if I said something horrid when I was sleep deprived. Or did something horrid. Because it happens.

And with that, I leave you with this quote, which I love, because it's true...at least for me:

"Insomnia is a kind of torture. Because while the world is fast asleep, you’re up all alone, your mind buzzing with every random thought in the universe. And sometimes the thoughts will reach a standstill, and your mind goes blank. You become more aware of the silence. And it is during this moment that you realize how alone you are."

Let me share a little history with you. When Greg and I were in the dorms, while we were dating, and even before, he'd often spend the night on me and Em's futon. I always slept alarmingly late...especially after a party, so I'd usually wake up and the room would be empty. Almost all the time, Greg would go on to my computer and type me up a letter to find upon waking...today he did the same:

So it has been awhile since I have done one of these.  I hope you go on the computer today and see it. I'm leaving
for work soon (Boo work) and just wanted to share a little of the overwhelming love that I am feeling for you
right now.  I just can't wait to spend our lives together.  I can't wait to get a place of our own.  To get away
from everything and just be us. I can't wait to see you walking down the aisle with a giant grin on your face and
tears (probably) rolling down your cheeks.  I can't wait to see you in your wedding gown to which I have no doubt
that you will be absolutely stunning.  I mean seriously, you're going to make little tiny babies look like hideous
creatures from the black lagoon.  I can't wait for our wedding night... umm for obvious reasons I would hope.  I
can't wait for the day when our first child is born, even if it's a girl first. :P  I can't wait to see Aria or
Oliver with your soulful eyes looking up at me.  I can't wait to joke with you at the hospital about how "Those ice
packs you are putting on your Hooey are costing us $42 bucks a pop." (Scrubs if you don't know.)  I can't wait to
bring the little one home and bicker over who has to get up with him/her tonight.  I can't wait to buy or first
house which I have no doubt will be decorated over with your keen sense of style.  Can I have a man cave that I
decorate with light up beer signs and umm man grunting soundtrack.  I know it's a lot to ask since the rest of the
house will be so nice with your design.  But give me a grunting cave?  Please?  I can't wait for the adventure of
our next child(ren) and to relive seeing another me/you.  I can't wait to see our kids grow up and get into
colleges and realize their own dreams as you and I usher them out of the house to be with just eachother once
again.  I can't wait to become bald and you gray and be the "cute" old people that we have always talked about.  I
can't wait to retire with you and wake up really early in the morning, take naps, and have our house way too hot
for anyone younger than us to deal with.  I can't wait to spend eternity with you when heaven forbid we both pass
on.  Chelsea, I can't wait to share my whole entire life with you, to show you how much I love you forever, and to
spend every smile and laugh with you for the rest of my life.  I love you more than anything in the entire
world.  I am the happiest man alive to have you in my life.  Thank you for giving me my chance.


I love you.

Can I just say AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Thanks honey. You made my day. I love you with all my heart and soul :)